I need a young priest & an old priest. I have to perform an exorcism & I don't know how. They don't teach that to us Protestants, you know. ;)
This post is going to be difficult to write. It's not that I don't know what to write - it's that I'm afraid of what will come out. In the most basic terms, I need to exorcise the ghost of my ex-boyfriend from my life. Tomorrow is the exact date on which he broke up with me last year. Twelve months later, I feel 99.9% better, but still not completely free.
But how do I do get there, how do I extract the man from my life? I've spent the last year trying to release myself. I erased old emails, deleted old photographs, cut up his love letters & gleefully threw them in the trash. I emailed him a few days before his wedding (he got engaged to his ex-girlfriend five months after we broke up & they got married six weeks ago) and asked him not to contact me ever again.
Yet he's still there. A shadowy ghost - haunting the back of my brain, making me second-guess myself, spurring comparisons to Nick. And I want to be very clear on this - Nick trounces him in every area, every time. In two months, Nick has made me happier than I think AR ever could have made me.
I feel that I need to exorcise AR's ghost to move forward with Nick. It's a tough thing to do, though. AR was the first man I dated for longer than three months, the first man to whom I said "I love you", the first man with whom I discussed marriage, the first man to live with me. How far do I have to go to erase that? Do I have to sell the Christmas & birthday presents his parents gave me? Do I have to give away the slippers his grandmother knitted for me? Do I have to throw away the pencil sketch of one of my favorite scenes that he drew for me?
I wish it was simpler. I wish I had never said those words to him. I wish he had just moved to New York & we had forgotten each other. I wish this post made a little more sense. ;) In the end, he didn't deserve to be with me forever & I'm so thankful that he realized that, even before I did. But how, how, how do I make his ghost go away?