OK, I'm not out of material, but my friend L. is coming over tonight & I just want to write a quick post. Hence, the one joke that I have ever successfully memorized. This joke goes over well in the states, but it kills in Scotland. ;)
A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus. He sets the octopus on the bar and announces, "This here is my musical octopus. I will bet any man in this bar that my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of him. You get three chances." All of the bar patrons, drunk & skeptical, are eager to take the bet. After the bartender takes everyone's money, they rummage around & dig up a trumpet.
The octopus ponders the trumpet for a minute, then picks it up & plays a song that Louis Armstrong would have killed to have been able to play.
"OK, fine", the patrons mumble. They dig up a guitar & place it on the bar. The octopus ponders it for a minute, then picks it up & wails out a riff that makes Jimi Hendrix roll over in his grave.
"Uh-oh, we need something good," the bar patrons say. They dig around in the back & someone manages to produce a set of bagpipes. They place it on the bar & the octopus looks at it. He looks, and looks, and looks. Finally, he turns to his owner and shrugs.
After paying out hundreds of dollars to the bar patrons, the guy picks up the octopus & walks out to the street. He says to the octopus, "Why couldn't you play those bagpipes?" The octopus says*, "I was supposed to play it? Shit, if I could have got its pajamas off, I would have fucked it!"
Bud-duh-bump-ching! I'll be here all week, folks. Try the veal.
*Yeah, it's a talking octopus, too.